many psychologist, therapist and even coaches are talking setting boundaries. and ive been seeing a lot of them talking about crossed boundaries as if it’s a horrible thing.
in the previous post, i share about how it is normal to cross boundaries, it isn’t a mistake.
i do believe each time two person interact, there’s a chance of crossing boundaries.
but it is important to know that crossing is not the same as violations.
crossing boundaries isn’t a bad thing, it ought to happen. why, what, when and how it is crossed, is the question. after examining and communicating, it can actually bring two people closer.
with the door analogy, crossing boundaries is like bringing the person’s hated food (eg. cheese) through the door. it could be accidentally, unknowingly, subconsciously, unconsciously.. could also be it’s something that is forgotten. basically, non intentional.
also, holding different boundaries is not the same as disrespecting.
i think it’s okay to bring cheese, you think it is not.. and us disagreeing is not disrespectful.
having different boundaries and deliberately crossing, is disrespectful and not to be tolerated.
i know you are not okay with cheese passing through your door and i deliberately bring it in. not okay.
violations are not crossing, it is like breaking the door down when the other person doesn’t want to open. it is not just crossing, it is knowing there is a fucking door of the other person but breaking it because of personal reason. OR not giving a fuck that the person has a door OR refusing to acknowledge the existence of door.
(i get slightly angry as i say this because i think about the clear, non debatable examples such as abuse, harassment, rape, etc. and there’s no where in here that i am saying or talking about such context.)
so, when i say crossing boundaries are not bad things.. i am not saying it is not okay that we feel and think whatever we feel/think when it happens..
we will get upset.. angry.. bitter.. resentful.. etc
we think that the person is disrespecting us.. dont care about us.. etc
we will feel and think all sorts of feelings and thoughts.. and, that is valid.
but with that (or after that), we also want to examine what, how, why it happen..
do the person know your boundaries?
is he/she crossing your boundaries on purpose or they just didnt know?
and this is not an assumption game that sounds like – ‘they should know’ ‘i think so’ etc
our actions that is driven by our feeling and thoughts may not be a clear communication of what’s going on eg. throwing tantrums, crying, etc.
it is good to be as clear as ‘i do not like….’ ‘it is not okay…..’ ‘do not say/do that to me.’
feelings and thoughts are valid.
but what’s not okay is.. projecting and throwing what we feel and think to the person.. assuming the other person should know.. expecting them to hold the same boundaries.. etc.
taking ownership that we did not communicate clearly is not the same as blaming ourselves for feeling whatever we feel because someone crossed our boundaries.
having said all these, i also want to share that sometimes, it is also okay to not want to talk about it.. and not want to have the person in your life..
eg. there are people that when they cross my boundaries, i examine the relationship we have, i make a judgment call to talk or not.. and if i do not wish to spend energy on it.. or if it will cost too much of my energy and peace, i may simply keep a distance or remove the person from my life.