i often say this and i’m not shitting you. i just have a lived experience to back this up.
H and i went to Malaysia for a 2D1N trip and we discovered this yummy seasoned potato snack. i insist on buying a box of it back and when H said that she wanted to give some to her friend who was visiting, i was triggered and i didn’t want to share. so i suggested to go back to the shop and buy more to give to her friend instead. when we went back to the shop, she picked another snack and said “i will just give him this cos i don’t know what he will like”. i was slightly confused but i left it at that.
when we got home, she was preparing to head out and told me she took 7 packet of the potato snacks for her friends. i got really upset.
end up, she misheard and thought i said to go back to the shop and buy more (other) snacks. 🫠
H asked if it will make me feel better if she doesn’t take any and i said no. she ask what am i upset about and if it was cos she is heading out. and i said no again. i told her i have no idea and so she came up with a “plaster solution” – she suggested that she will go online and find the snack. and if she finds it, she will order for me and then she will take more for her friends. i agreed. so she found it, ordered, took more and left to meet her friends.
and i just kept asking myself wtf is happening. i was feeling really annoyed and frustrated because what i was thinking and how i was feeling was totally mismatched.
in my head, i’m screaming “IT’S JUST SOME POTATO SNACKS. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? I CAN JUST BUY MORE OF IT” and the level of upset i was feeling? wah it was hitting the roof!
turn out, it was some childhood shit. growing up, my mum would advocate “sharing” and often my/our things will be taken away to be shared with others. even if i really like it and/or there is only one of it, i will have to give it up. and that didn’t change no matter how much i said no or cry.
i’m unsure where my mum was coming from – was it generosity, people pleasing or she just didn’t want us to be selfish. (and i have no intention to find out)
but for sure, i was too young to understand and all i experienced was that helplessness when things are taken away from me – even if there’s only one and/or no matter how much i like/want it.
i told H today that i found out what i was upset about. and i imagined if i did not have that awareness, that emotion will easily be directed at H and/or how she misheard me. and i could even be angry at her for taking things away from me.
i also asked myself if those screaming in my head was shit i learnt to dismissed my own needs and want. well, it turned out that i legit feel it is just a snack that i can just buy again. and i was really just very confused why i was feeling so much emotions. 😂
and this, is why i cannot niche myself. doing inner work changes the the way we approach life and relationships. it impacts personal relationships, work, career, business and everything else.