We are familiar with fight, flight, freeze or fawn as a survival response from acute stress and situations. Many are now aware that for those who are in survival mode due to traumas are constantly in one of the states.
Fight, flight, freeze and fawn are labels we use to describe how our nervous system responds to stress.
Everyone goes through it, multiple times a day. The difference is whether they are passing states or patterns we repeat.
When surviving is a lifestyle.
Many textbook “survival mode” speak about them staying primarily in one or two states.
And what I am seeing is, there are an increasing number of people in “functioning survival mode” where they appears to function normally in life, but their nervous system is constantly in survival responses even though they don’t exactly recall a specific situation and/or trauma.
People in functioning survival modes swing between states to “function” in their lives and therefore may look like they are just going on with their lives daily. Not surprising that many are high performing management level personnel, entrepreneurs or.. mums.
Predictable default
These people move from moments to moments fulfilling what is required of them. They do their job and roles so well as if they have automatic switch when they go into a predictable state in common situations they experience.
ie. Meeting with clients = fawn mode on.
Authority figures = fight mode on.
Social settings = flight mode on.
Alone time = freeze mode on.
In many external situations, it is very debatable that “I am doing my job” “It was what was needed”.
So one way to look at whether you are stuck in the mode, explore if you have a “default mode” with the people close to you. Because, unfortunately, many return to those closest to us and show an amplified version.
If looking at yourself is hard, observe the people close to you first. It easier to look at/catch it as a 3rd party or receiving end. Your parents, spouse, partner, friends, etc.
ie. Some people go home and their default is flight/freeze. Hours on the phones doing pretty much nothing. Some go back home in fight mode and every small thing trigger the poop out of them and start a fight.
Be clear that I mentioned OBSERVE them, not pick a fight, not make them wrong. Because ultimately, we want to notice and work on our own first.
Baseline and safety
EVERYONE goes through the different state when activated.
What is important to note is how predictable it is, how long does it last..
and whether you return to a certain baseline that feels.. right. A baseline that is perhaps safe, calm and neutral.
I am reluctant to put in words for the baseline as I do not want to force an idea what or how a baseline is.
But the idea is that it feels.. right. It feels safe. You can be yourself and you are being yourself. And you feel good in it and after.
This example can be shown in healthy children and animals (not those in abusive families or tough environment). They “return” to a state where as if nothing had happened after they process their experience. The moment starts afresh. Their baseline is “The world is fun”.
note: A “baseline” that you relax, do nothing and don’t feel like doing anything all the time is not it. It could be a freeze state.
“But I take time off for myself”
I am inspired to write this because of the increasing number of my clients and friends telling me they think they are in freeze mode. These people are those who know the concept of “self care”, or even teaching self care.
In the recent years and hype of “self care”, many are indeed taking time off for themselves. But it does not mean it is enough or right for you. When we comfort a crying baby, we do not set a time of 1 hr and be like, “Ok time is up. You are good now” neither do we decide on a method, carry it out and say “There. We watch your favourite show. You are good now”.
When we take care of children and babies, we move from methods to methods and it takes however long it takes. Sometimes we even have different people try it.
Yet when we “take care” of ourselves, we have a specific activity and expect it to ALWAYS work. (It is possible to have one that usually work. But assuming it had worked/should work because it had worked before, is a different thing.) We set aside a specific deadline and timeline and expect that will take care of everything.
Reacting vs responding
Okay, this might slightly confusing. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn are termed as survival response when it is more accurate to be called reactions.
Reactions are instant reflexes. Trigger > React.
Response are chosen in the space between. Trigger > Choice/s > Respond.
Using one of the above default example: Authority figures = fight mode on.
How reacting thought process might look like:
Authority figure ask about the proposal > toughen up > defence mode on.
How responding thought process might look like:
Authority figure ask about the proposal > What is he curious about > Do I understand his question > Do I need to clarify before answering > Do I have the expertise needed to speak to him on that particular segment > What is required of me to clearly articulate my point
Ending note:
Reacting with the states is not the issue. It is whether we are able to shift in and out of it reasonably. It becomes an issue when they become the way we live. Some people collapse into survival mode and it shows. It is obvious and easy to catch on.. and do something about it. Others learn to function inside it and it become such second nature that it look like a normal lifestyle.
If you are seeing yourself in this.
- I am creating a workshop for this and if you would like in, reach out to join the Telegram channel or email list to be updated.
- If you want a space to explore in depth, reach out for a session with me.