some of you might have heard it from me privately, some had some clue when i sent out the telegram message.
it happened really quickly. he woke up and was not able to stand and walk properly. went to vet, had initial suspicion, did the scan, confirmed my biggest nightmare and off he went straight into surgery while i fumble to prepare the house for his discharge.
it was something that i did actively try to prevent. proper lifting, reducing jumping and many more. the reason why we had stairs for our beds when we were renting, why i always shout at heihei to stop jumping when he is excited and why it pisses the shit out of me when people carry heihei without asking and learning the proper way. when we moved into our house, it is part of the reason why we are all sleeping on floor and there is no sofa at home. there’s basically nothing for him to jump on at home.
it was ivdd grade 2. after reflecting, it might have been a grade 1 when we were informed of his limping at boarding one day. we insisted to bring him home that night instead of next morning so we can monitor and head to vet the next day if needed. but he woke up ok, which is also a normal thing for grade 1 ivdd.
i cant say we did everything right. we did a lot on our own and there are things that could be better. there are things that could not be controlled (on our end)- how he act, behave and play at the daycare/boarding, how he is handled by others.. how he nv listens and still do nonsense..
when we got the confirmed diagnosis, it was all the memories that came through for me. the ivdd stories from other pawrents and/or those i did animal communication with. it cannot be cured and only can be treated.. so relapses are very common. and i was also there hearing them (or did the animal comm) before/when their babies passed on.
saying there were no self blaming would be a big lie. i blamed myself. blamed H. blamed all the people whom i remember seeing mishandling heihei.
i was angry. but deep down, i was scared. i was very scared of losing heihei. i was not ready for that.. and i will never be.
watching heihei not able to hold himself up, in a daze, refusing to eat, “losing his freedom” (cos he need to recover in a playpen).. all these reminds me of H and my conversation about how if one day heihei loses his quality of life, we will make that hard decision to let him go.
it is definitely not the time now because with properly recovery and treatment, relapse can possibly be prevented and he can continue to live to an old age. but those experiences gave me a taste of how heart breaking it would be if that day were to happen.
for now, heihei is well and eating very good. his bowel movement is a bit wonky. still weak on his hind legs (compared to before). still in playpen and will be, for another 5 weeks at least. but he probably forgot that pain he experienced and the surgery cos he is back to wanting to play every morning with H just like before.
H is alright and my sanity is, mostly, in check while i rearrange things to be at home since he cannot go daycare or boarding for the remaining of the year, at least, and jail breaking is guaranteed if he is left alone. 😂
there were moments where i think about how fucked up is it that we are experiencing one shit after another since we moved out from our rented place in oct 2024. it is almost like just when i am settling down after each crisis or ordeal, another will hit.
i did have a bit of breathing space after we moved in and before i got hit by a very sudden and serious back strained that left me crawling to toilet, losing the ability to use my lower body.. (did scan and check and turn out to be a really back muscle issue. wtf?!)
then we have H’s mum fracturing and going into surgery.. on two separate occasions. fumbling to hire a helper, replan finances.. and when it was almost settled, heihei’s ordeal came.
i know it does sound tiring. it also frustrates me each time i get really upset about these, i get synchronicities slapped in my face. angels numbers, something unexpected, small but good happens, issue being solved easier than expected.. etc.
i mentioned briefly last year was really bad. i remember i was not in the space to even have a proper session, i had cancel sessions with clients because i felt i had no capacity. i was irritable. i was all over.
ever since moving in, i have been focusing on my own healing and tending to my nervous system from the traumatic last year. i stepped up on it in feb and i go to bed every night with a prayer and request to receive healing.
so it is interesting that even though this year’s event so far is a whole lot closer to heart.. a lot more painful – physically and emotionally. i feel a lot more clearer, grounded and stronger.
this does not mean that i am not feeling much. in fact, i feel a lot more. the emotions were a lot clearer and louder. i made mistakes in those emotions, like ordering wrong size for the playpen. my beanbag i ordered and has been waiting finally arrived, but is no longer suitable for the house given heihei’s condition moving forward.
there were emotions, mistakes, changes.. the fear was loud. the anger was loud. the disappointment.. the lost.. the uncertainty.. everything was magnified. everything including peace, acceptance, clarity..
i was also able to return to center and neutral. i was able to catch that my emotions needs space, my experiences needs to be heard.. i was able to articulate without simply being irritable and worried.
i have capacity to repair relationships. i have capacity to continue dealing with the crashed website, to write, to explore my work.. although at a slower pace than i wish because humanly i do only have a limited number of hours. HAHA.
a few days ago, i told H i feel like i cannot continue offering my work cos i feel like a fraud feeling like shit. i was in tears and feeling like a failure. then i went out for a good dinner, drank a little more than i wished, wake up not as great but realised.. if this is not what i am advocating for, i don't know what is.
it is the full experience of up and down AND the ability to return to center.. again and again and again. i was able to meet and enjoy company of my friends when H can stay home to watch heihei. we were able to enjoy a concert (that we were ready to forgo) when heihei was not able to discharge from the hospital cos i got the wrong playpen size. i went for yoga again and again, and shop for my new beanbag that would be suitable.
the synchronicities i’ve been shown.. is angering because i think that if i am supported, i should not need to go through these. but i am also starting to see that is it not about not being thrown shit. it is about having access to a good soap, clean water and a toilet to wash that shit away. LOL.
i’m not someone who can say “focus on the good” or “be grateful” during a rough period.. i’m not even the one who will be able to tell myself “everything will be fine” so for me to feel this, it is a shift beyond the mind. HAHAHAHHAHA.
for me to be able to return to center again and again.. to feel peace as loud as anger.. to have capacity to think and write..
i am glad.