Transparency Notice: all ideas and opinions expressed are mine. AI is used to help prompt me to think deeper or brainstorm (eg. the archetype names HAHA).
people pleasing self serving (including self preservation)
the term ‘people pleasing’ is nothing new anymore in the space of personal developement.
personally i used to have many traits of it but i have never resonated with the term.
after years of my own healing and working with clients, i concluded that it is because i see people pleasing more as a self serving act.
people pleasing is just the surface action of what everyone sees.
beneath it, we are serving something else.. our own need or want.
(in cases where we genuinely take care of the peace or needs of others without abandoning ourselves, that is no longer ‘people pleasing’)
what keep people stuck in that pattern
many have tried to ‘quit people pleasing’ but they just can’t seem to get out of that pattern.
and (in my experience) that is what happens when..
- they just try to stop acting on it without diving deeper on what is actually driving their actions
- they do not want to believe that they are people pleasing for selfish reason and would rather see it that they are putting someone else first
so no matter how they tell themselves to stop doing it, they still end up acting on it because..
different archetypes and drivers
people pleasing is an umbrella behaviour.
beneath it, the motivation is self serving and/or preservation.
and here are the different archetypes and drivers.
disclaimer: i made them up. they are not official diagnoses or conditions. we are also likely a combination of them
the seeker
— seeks approval, validation, reassurance, recognition, permission.
"i’m worthy when people like me.” ”people agree with me = people like me” ”i am not good enough if they do not ____ “
likely rooted in: low self worth, chronic self abandonment, conditioned that love need to be earned, low self trust
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- build self-worth independent of external factors
- find out or learn your own values
- then, practice making decisions based on them (not others' opinions)
- practice listening to your own voice and intution
- build self trust
- be curious and imagine what comes up if you do not get external approval/validation etc
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what am i afraid will happen if they do not approve/validate/recognise me?
- what do i think will happen from there?
- what do i perceive their disapproval as? what do i perceive it says about me?
- why do i need their permission?
the chameleon
— seek belonging, acceptance, connection, closeness.
"i am doing this for them because i am a good (friend/daughter/etc)” "i will adapt because i am the connector of the group” ”connection = closeness = i belong” ”being supportive is my way of love”
likely rooted in: fear of abandonment, lack of love and emotional connection
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- explore what "belonging" means to you
- what do you gain from belonging
- be aware when you choose to adapt in order to avoid feeling left out
- be curious with what comes up if you were to choose not to adapt
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what am i afraid will happen if i stop trying to fit in?
- what do i really want out of fitting in or belonging?
the survivor
— seeks safety, protection, survival.
"if i make myself small, i'll be safe." ”let me meet their needs so i will be _____ (taken care of/not getting scolded/etc)” ”my needs are not as important”
likely rooted in: unsafe and/or unpredictable environments/caregivers (emotionally or physically), complex trauma
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- separate present danger vs past danger
- is it a real threat? or reminder of a past situation?
- learn to regulate your nervous system
- learn your body cues, consider somatic work
- be curious and imagine what comes up if you don't make yourself smaller
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what am i afraid will happen if i take up space?
- what am i trying to protect myself from?
- does this situation actually require me to really fight for my survival or does it just feel familiar?
the conflict avoider
— seeks harmony, peace, positive emotions.
"keeping the peace/harmony is more important." ”intense emotions = bad” ”disappointment = bad” "if everyone gets along, everything will be okay."
likely rooted in: believing conflict threatens connection or the relationship, growing up around conflict or lack of healthy confrontation / conflict, rewarded when peace or harmony is kept.
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- identify what are you truly protecting
- what is the reward?
- whose emotions are you really protecting?
- explore how difficult conversations feel for you
- practice allowing disagreement without rushing to resolve or fix it
- be curious with what comes up when there are disagreements or conflict
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what am i afraid will happen if there is a confrontation or conflict?
- what do i perceive disagreement says about me or the relationship?
- what do i believe is true if i let others experience discomfort without trying to fix it?
the controller
— seeks control, certainty, predictability.
"if i am prepared for everything, nothing will go wrong. (i can fix it even if it does)” ”if i can control the situation, i won’t get hurt” ”i know their needs the best” "i can only depend on myself."
likely rooted in: unpredictable environments (current and when young), high sensitivity and/or anxiety, believe that being in control reduces/prevent hurt, hyper independence
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- identify what are you truly trying to avoid?
- accept that you are people pleasing as a way to influence or control the situation
- learn to trust others
- practice allowing things to unfold
- be curious and imagine what comes up if you let go of control
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what am i uncomfortable about this uncertainty?
- what outcome am i trying to prevent?
- what are some positive outcome that could unfold?
the caretaker / savior / martyr
— seeks purpose, usefulness, significance through caring for others
"if not me, then who?” ”it's my responsibility to make sure everyone is okay." "if i should help." ”they need me more”
likely rooted in: parentification (taking on adult responsibilities too early or had a role reversal with parents), believe that being helpful is very important, tying self worth to usefulness and importance, believe that giving = loving.
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- learn to discern when you are genuinely wanting to help vs when you feel you need to
- practice asking if they need help
- practice waiting for them to ask
- and sitting with your own discomfort while waiting
- be curious with what comes up if you choose not to help
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what does it says about me if i don't step in?
- what happens if i'm not needed?
- do they really need help or am i holding them small?
the performer
— seeks worth, love, and acceptance through achievement, competence, and being "good."
"if i do _____, i'll be enough/loved/accepted." "i need to earn love and respect." ”my competence and achievements reflect my worth” ”if i perform well/good at this, you will be happy with me”
likely rooted in: conditional love or praise, being valued/rewarded for achievement, linking self-worth to performance
direction to explore:
- notice when do you people please
- is there a specific situation, person/s or relationship/s where this shows up?
- learn that your worth is not dependent on your achievements or competence
- being yourself is good enough
- practice allowing yourself to ‘under perform’ in low risk/cost situation
- be curious with what comes up if you stop trying to prove yourself
– understand what comes up may not be truth, and is your own perception
- what does it say about me if i'm average or imperfect?
- what do i believe i have to earn?
- who am i when i'm not achieving, producing, or performing?
what now?
people pleasing is not the real issue, it is part of something much deeper.
beneath the action is a desire to meet our own needs. it is just a strategy.
when you understand what drives you, the conversation shift from
“how to stop people pleasing”
to “what do i really need so i do not need to use that strategy”
optional paid offer:
many of the archetypes does have overlapping traits and we likely have a combination of a few..
if you wish to dive deeper or have this refined closer to what is happening for you, check out my current offerings.