being true to yourself does not need to happen in the expense of others.
this conversation came up a few times with clients and many have the idea that being authentic somehow means you need to hurt others or be immature or irresponsible..
these are not mutually exclusive.
firstly, my distinction of authenticity is being true to oneself, to not lie..
and this does not mean you need to go around expressing every thought, emotions, opinions you have.
a kid is usually authentic AND impulsive. they have a thought, they act on it.. they say it.
an adult can still be authentic without being impulsive..
by making choices.
in any given situation, you get to choose.. to say or not to say.. to act or not to act.
who do i serve if i say or do this? is there benefits or value?
do i really need to say or do it?
do i have an agreement of transparency and not withholding with this person?
most of us do not have that agreement with everyone. we may have it with some intimate relationship/s but that is about all.
and when someone ask for your opinion?
here’s your choice:
- say it since the person asked for your take.
and your choice in this situation? your words, your tone. eg. ”you look ugly” vs “this look ugly on you” (they do have very different meaning)
most importantly, your own clarity. ”this is a very stupid and bad idea” vs “i do not think this is a good idea. would you like to hear more/know why” yes, you may think it really is a stupid idea but what is the reason why it is stupid? does the person need to know it is stupid or can you share your perspective without needing to use certain words.
- make a choice that you do not want to comment
saying “i have no comment” is a lie and not authentic.
saying “i do not want to comment” is a possible choice.
if you truly feel that you have to choose between being authentic or being as ass. you are not choosing. you are secretly wanting to be an ass.
it is definitely possible to be authentic AND be a decent human. you may just need skills, range of words, clarity or support to break down how you feel or think so you can choose how to communicate it.
if the latter is you and you would like to explore more, reach out for a session.