this has been spoken alot lately in a container i am in. but also something clients and friends spoke about before every now and then.
i feel like i have a sense of it but im trying to break it down so i am clearer and can share the distinction and nuances better.
when it comes to 1:1, dumping is a lot easier to determine, here’s are some questions to ask yourself.
- am i always seeking this person every single time shit happens? if yes, why? is it because this person enables me? of cos it could also just mean that this person is your person – bf, gf, partner, husband, wife, best friend, family.. but the next few questions applies too for these relationships?
- the opp of the first: do i seek new people (who have not heard so i can repeat the same sob story over and over again?
- did i get permission and consent from this person? eg. hey im feeling _____ do you have time and space to let me talk/process/get it out
- am i being mindful, kind and loving to this person? eg. a friend just had a new born. in text exchange, she said she had a long day, the baby is finally asleep and she is heading to bed.. do you hold her up just so you can say what you want to say – for yourself to feel better?
- what is the “exchange”? okay before you jump at this. hear me out. ALL relationships have an exchange. not all is about money. if exchange is hard to grasp, then maybe see it as “mutual. what do you bring to the table for this person that is what the person wants? the relationship and connection continues when both party feel well treated – fair in a way to each individual.
and now, what is the distinction or nuances when it comes to 1 : many. (could be social media post, emails, etc.)
have you come across post of someone and feel like “urgh, not again. this person is so ‘negative’. “ and yet someone else may post a similar thing and you go like “oh what an experience”
now, i want to try to unpack that and the questions to ask yourself:
- what do i want to get out of posting/sharing? do i want some pity party or do i want to be empowered and inspired by my own experiences?
- do i want the world to know how bad something is? if so, is it cos i want to vent and whine? or do i want to share my experience so people get to learn/avoid?
- how do i feel if i share this? do i feel good cos i got it out of my system or do i feel empowered/inspired – even though the content has some “negative” stuff?
you realised that i say “negative” because that is a concept we form – not truly negative or positive. it’s a concept we form.
having said all these, i am not saying that if you posted something that you think and feel is inspiring or empowering then the whole world feels the same.
some people have lesser tolerance for pain and suffering so your experience may be too intense.
some people projects. so your post is what they make out of.
those are not things within our control and so all we can do is make sure we act in alignment to what we want.