if you follow me for awhile, you know.. anger is a long time friend. one that i was taught to reject and abandon while growing up.. but made peace and developed a strong relationship with..
i speak about it and share the different sides of 'anger' often because i want to honour it and also, not talking about it feel like im betraying a friend.
today i had an incident that made anger visited and stayed for a long while – still here now actually.
so heihei went to boarding from Tues morning and i was supposed to pick him Wed evening.
i picked him up at 6ish/7pm on Wed and was told he went to eat the cat litter and he had diarrhoea after. (i thought i remembered being told he ate just a little and was grab out of it fast. but im unsure if i heard this because of a conflicted info after.) that's all the info i was given and i also thought that was all the info at that point.
so i brought him home, showered and all. at 9+ pm, he ran to the pee tray – watery stool (splatter kind) and with some drops of red liquid (presumably blood).
i then message the boarder to ask when the litter incident happened, did he only diarrhoea once, etc.
to my horror, he ate the cat litter around 9pm on Tues night. started watery stool after breakfast on Wed and it lasted the entire day – 'small diarrhoea each time.' (quoted from boarder) and i was told it's unknown how much he ate cos he ate very fast.
i already felt my anger while i gathering the info. and once im done, i felt it more and more.
i googled, called the vet and drove down immediately mainly cos
- unknown amount (big amt is dangerous)
- risk of parasite and bacteria (bacteria can cause organ failure, and it's not like virus where it 'attack' slower)
- i cant tell if heihei is just tired from playing or he is weak from feeling unwell
there were other info that start piecing itself – like how she mentioned heihei drank alot of water.
i mean..
diarrhea > dehydrated > water.
duh.
while driving. i was in tears and feeling fucking angry.
24 fucking hours. it took 24 fucking hours to be informed of my dog eating cat litter and had diarrhoea the entire day. why?!?!
i was angry but i knew at this point, underneath the anger was worry, anxiousness and fear.
while talking to the vet and i remember telling the her im very angry now and i think im not very logical/rational.
she hear from me, took heihei in, did her job and brought him back out. shared the initial diagnosis with me, possible situations, and what we can do.
paid and we drove home.
while driving back, i no longer have worry, anxiety and fear underneath because the vet visit had taken care of those.
this time i felt the anger and the sensations of it – knot in my stomach, gripping tension on my shoulder..
anger is an emotion where something has been violated.. something, someone does not deserve something..
- the trust we place/had on the boarder.
- the values and expectations we had – transparency and accountability from the boarder.
- heihei did not deserve to suffer the fucking entire day.
different choices could have been made.
she could inform me when the incident happened.
she could inform me when the diarrhoea first happened.. or the second diarrhoea, or third..
there were too many moments where choices could be made differently IF i was informed.
but i wasnt.
i initially felt guilty i had a good meal and was chatting, laughing and had a great time catching up with friends.. while heihei was having all the episodes of diarrhoea. but that guilt did not last long knowing i could not have done any better because i was not fucking informed. there's absolutely no way i could do it better.
but i know for sure if i had knew about it the night before. knew about his first diarrhoea and then second.. and third.. i would cancel lunch and pick him earlier to observe his poop myself.
this is not okay.
but i am proud i did not act on my anger and say anything towards the boarder even though i was so fucking angry at her.
and i am fucking glad and proud that at no point i told the boarder it is ok, not even when she apologized. this is something that took me a while to practice and hold it. cos its easy and habitual for me (and probably many of you too) to reply with i
'it's okay' 'no problem' 'no issue' when someone apologize.
but too many times, we said that when it is not ok at at all.
this is not ok.
i am not ok.
anger is an emotion that holds alot of energy so that the person can do something about the violation.
it charge me up enough to get out of bed and went to the vet. if you know me, once i showered and on bed.. the chance of me leaving the house is less than 1%.
the worry, anxiety and fear may get me moving.. but with anger.. it sure made it faster and more decisive.