“Honesty” is one of the common values that people look for in intimate relationships, me included. But as I gain deeper insights, I realised that honesty alone is no longer enough.
I used to always get really triggered and angry when my partner (or someone close) says “you did not ask!” as a comeback when we are talking about something that matters and/or impacts the relationship.
I did not understand why I was so affected by it but how I do.
It is as if that only if something is asked, then the person will share or answer honestly.
To be fair – It is much deeper than those 4 words. As I am typing this, I think of so many situations where the line between relationship building and being toxic is so close and depends so much on context.
But I will assume discernment and understanding from those who are reading.
Sometimes a person said “you did not ask”, he/she really did not think certain information is important. If this is the case, it is about getting to know each other and understanding what matters to/for each other.
However, saying that with intention to
- conceal/hide/avoid
- shift the blame/wiggle your way out of the situation
or any intention to manipulate a certain outcome beneficial only to oneself is a red flag in the relationship.
Relationship building requires partnering with each other to think and seek out win-win.
If a piece of information will benefit the relationship building – increases understanding, improves communication, give it without needing to be asked.
I know there are many other nuances in this, and if you have a specific situation you would like insight on, reach out to me. There are free and paid options available.